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if you keep pulling, then the rehearsed lustful cries
will soon be in order
professionally making their way inside of my body,
all the way up into my heart and soul.
I'll take the ripping of my flesh as a
compliance
with what I want.
I'm letting you do this,
and quite frankly enjoying it way more than predicted.
but that's okay
and it's just what I need
fuck the shaved scrapings of something once so preciously full,
I'm not even gonna say it.
just keep on digging deeper and deeper,
you'll get in there sometime.
and when the door closes in August
it'll be like this never happened;
but that minor heartbreak a small price to pay for
the current maskage of the one I'm still in-
still drowning in, mind you.
there's a glass case right above me where water meets sky
and I know I have no chance of breaking through it.
I know because I've tried too many times.
and right now, you are the only air in my lungs
that provides a freshly breathed escape from the liquidated traumas
my mind and body simply refuse to get over.
my big, strong, callused oxygen tank; save me.
and when time does come,
please don't be a minor heartbreak.
give me a massive one instead.
I say this willingly, because I know it wouldn't compare
to the scraps that December left me with;
however it will force me to forget
at least that's what I'll tell myself for now.
just please keep tickling my ear ever-so-softly
with those lips that I call on as my new possession
keep whispering sweet nothings.
he must have told you I liked that.
how else would you know?
- Mood:contemplative
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yeeaahh... so my parent's "graduation" present for me is paying my admissions deposit. I've got everything figured out. I mean, I'm just so excited that I'm getting the fuck out of Galesburg and off the the beach that I really don't give a shit about anything else that's not involved with getting there.
Three days of fucking high school left, after today. Wednesday is our last day and I seriously can't believe it. I'm so excited I just might go freakin crazy.
Then graduation is not the Sunday in two days, but the Sunday after that. Holy freaking goodness.
YAAY!! | | |
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I just don't know what to fucking do anymore.
My parents are so incompetant. Get into a good school, get into a good school- then when I actually DO get accepted to a good school, they turn around and tell me they can't pay for it at all. And you know, I can deal with the emotional turmoil that I'm presented with by having no support and being forced to figure this thing out all by myself. I just need to take some drastic measures, and I really don't know what those measures are gonna be. I know that I'm going to ODU, and I'm not letting my parent's financial intolerance force me to settle for less at this point in my life. I fucking refuse to.
I hate what I'm really thinking about- but I know it's going to take some drastic fucking measures to be able to come up with all this money that financial aid just won't cover. I will do anything for my education, since my fucking parents can't. I'm having enough trouble coming up with my 200$ freshman deposit due at the end of this month, and my 150$ room and board deposit.. I just need a get rich quick scheme. And unfortunately there's only a couple things in America that can get you rich real quick, and then allow you to take yourself out of it. Those two things are drugs and sex. I'm not going to fuck anybody or become a prostitue or something, and I'm sure in the hell not selling drugs. I mean I was thinking about it, thinking that I could sell some mushrooms this summer, but even so I'd be risking a manslaughter charge and it still wouldn't be enough money to pay for shit. But with stripping, I could just do that all summer, make a fuckload of money, and then take off to Virginia in August and I'll be totally set to be on my own, and that bullshit will be left here, like it never even happened. I need to do some research about this, but again, I don't know what to do. google "openings for strippers in the quad cities area"? What the fuck?
I'm open to suggestions. This is definitely the only way I have left. | | |
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stop knowing me so goddamn well.
stop reading my mind,
stop cueing my reactions,
stop seeing every fucking expression I make,
and matching it up with the thoughts in my head.
I can't take it.
I can't take you,
sitting all the way over there.
I can't handle looking at you,
feeling like I know what you're thinking about,
then reassuring myself that if this was the case,
I would have seen what was coming
way before it happened.
I'm not okay.
and it's really unfair that you are.
in fact, you're better than okay.
you're happy.
with someone else.
and I wish I knew how that was possible.
I wish I could stop thinking about it everyday,
and I wish I could say things to you that
were left completely unsaid.
I wish I could ask you if you really loved me in the first place.
at this point, that's all I need to know.
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we're gonna try this,
but I'm not going to tell you that
I know it's not gonna work.
you know I'm leaving in August.
and the whole
"it'll be fun while it lasts"
is what's convinced me that this could be good
for now, but not forever.
I'm kidding myself, really.
I know this.
you don't.
you don't know that I'm still such a mess,
anymore at least.
or that every trace you outline
on my body with your fingertips,
are spots that used to sear with passion,
and have already been onced traced
by the person whom I belonged to.
even now.
the desires I used to have
of being in real love.
it's not there anymore,
and when you do it,
I'll be forced to pretend.
however, I'll also be
forced to forget.
which is my only hope
at this point.
this emotional wreckage doesn't deserve to be alone,
if anything it deserves to be tended to.
this is your job, the job you asked for,
and the job I gave you.
I just wish I knew it was going to work.
because knowing myself all too well means only one thing:
in the long run,
it won't.
it'll just be a painful goodbye for the both of us,
a summer of being attached in ways we all strive to
be attached to--and the cursed melodies of
what used to be
will still be gnawing away at me,
on top of the heartache of leaving you.
don't get me wrong, okay,
you're beautiful.
I just wish I could love you.
the way I loved him. - Location:school.
- Mood:contemplative
- Music:Something Corporate - - Hurricane
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time isn't really doing the job
that everyone told me it would.
and I told everyone
that it wouldn't.
it's funny, you know I don't even really
dedicate my thoughts to it as much as I used to,
but everytime you speak to me or
toss a glance my way
I'm trapped all over again,
and I'm hit with the unfortunate realization
that nothing's changed.
Four months.
and nothing's fucking changed.
I could get all wordy on you.
impress you with my impromtu prolixity.
but there's no way to dance around
the fact that you've left me here,
empty.
broken.
I can't dress up my broken heart
in the remains. - Mood:confused
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another sad, sad story.
tales of once was,
is now once was not.
flashbacks
me up against the wall
you knowing exactly what you were doing
pulling at my hair
tearing at my skin
creating something that seemed
indefinitely sacred.
I never wanted to hear that
something with so much beauty
could be destroyed just as quickly
as it was proposed.
look what you've left me with.
a slew of uncharacterized opinions
that formed at the base of my breakdown
seemingly critical,
mostly confusing.
the unfortunate result of being face to face with new lonliness.
remember how you said you'd love me forever?
now this starts to sound pathetic.
I didnt ask for this, I told you.
I didn't ask to fall in love with you.
in the light of things crashing down, my world falling apart,
I could still hear everything you always told me.
even now.
this./ is./ so./ difficult./
walking away, but not by choice.
pumping vessels now run dry,
an emptiness only you would understand-
and yet you refuse to.
I just wish I knew what the fuck happens next.
but I suppose I've never been one
to predict that accurately.
obviously. - Mood:sore
 - Music:Circa Survive - We're All Thieves
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I wish summer would hurry up and get here. I have so many things to look forward to..three months away. Get me the fuck out of here. Then I'll give you something worth reading, aside from the depths of my pathetic once-was-love-life and bitchy attitude towards my surroundings. This pit of deep, dark depression- although hidden inside of me- will soon be released once I get the fuck out of here and get where I belong. However, I do find that thinking about it all does make me smile a lot.
I can't see them together anymore. It's making me sick. Everytime, it's like a bad dream I can't get the fuck out of, because I'm stuck there, in this "dream" of actual reality, and I can't take it. I thought I could handle it, pretend it's okay, but last night at Allison's, I kept seeing myself jump up and shove her face away and grab him and try and run out of the room, and I was sitting there really wondering if I could control myself to NOT do that, I ended up controlling myself but just the fact that it was SUCH a strong fucking urge made me aware of my current insane mental state. I cannot do this for much longer.
I can't be around my family anymore. The time has come. Things are worse than ever, and my method of reconciliation seems completely unappealing anymore. They don't understand remotely, so this time I can finally just subtract myself from the equation as opposed to living my life trying to come to a conclusive solution--even though I know I've never been an adequate fit.
It's so fucking cold here. Winter sucks major dick. I really can't take it anymore, the weather (as silly as it may sound) takes a huge toll on my mood. I'm just cold all the time, in my room, all day in school, when I'm forced to go outside..I'm fuckin done with that bullshit. Give me some sunshine and my fuckin ocean, and I'm ready to go!!!!!! | | |
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I haven't written in this this for a couple of weeks. I haven't really been busy, (well not anymore than I always am), I guess I've just been studying a lot, which is a good thing I suppose. I guess things are going pretty okay (as okay as they're ever going to get), the days keep passing by and May 24th is only three months away. I can't fucking wait; and that's SUCH an understatement.
I don't want to feel like this forever. Leaving is the only way that I won't. I don't even want t talk about this stupid mental issue I have going on, because, in my mind, it's just that. Stupid. We broke up a little over 2 months ago, and I thought I was doing fine, until last night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a while, and it's just so stupid. I hate when I can't help stupid things. Wanna know the biggest reason I won't talk about it anymore? I feel it's so incredibly pointless that I'd rather just keep it inside and pretend it's not there, pretend the hurt still isn't there just as bad as it was the second everything happened, pretend like everything is fine because it really IS fine, I'm just an idiot who can't get over someone, one of the MANY idiots in this world who have loved and lost and dealt with it..making me feel even more silly for unintentionally putting myself in the same category as people like that. The same category as people who feel like they can never fall in love again, they can never see themselves with ANYONE else, they can't deal and they can't get over the fact, and even if they DO move on it's never anything real or true because STILL somewhere in the back of their minds they're attatched, still. I am becoming that person. and I've nver hated anything more in my life than coming to grips with that fact. Because I'm not a person like that. Goddamnit, why does it do this to me? 3 months, 3 months, getting out getting out getting out. And it's not even like I'm "running away" from my problems--although it definitely could be percieved as that-- it's more like I'm running TO something. I've never belonged here. Never belonged in the family I have, never belonged with the people I'm with (until, that is, now- I've found the most amazing friends in the whole world, friends that I will keep even though I'm leaving) so I'm running TO the beach.
The weather is still shitty but I see it's perking up just a bit. It's almost there, spring, I know it.
And tomorrow is Friday, and NOTHING makes me more excited than the fucking weekend. - Mood:blank
 - Music:Brand New - Guernica
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(This isn't the way I would of done things.
but I've admitted to lost control.
come on, self.
wrap your mind around it.
this is the way things are,
even though they shouldn't be.
bad enough
I feel like a horrible person
for still
feeling like this,
still thinking about this,
but even worse that I can't help it.
I don't wanna feel
this way forever
it's gotta come to an end sometime
I'm trying so hard
splintered pieces of what once was
flick against my skin
and all I can do is sit there
and watch them slice me apart
I'm trying so hard,
and ignoring the fact,
which is,
I don't stand a chance.
how did this happen? ) | | |
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eabaker08's journal
